Hippies (better not be!)
There are two dudes that come around every day and vacuum, empty trash, etc. One is mentally challenged (can we still say retarded?) and the other seems like a nice enough guy. I hear them chatting it up with every chick within 300 feet of me, but they clam up and get weird when they are around me (or any other man, I've noticed).
What gives? I always feel like they are pre-disposed to dislike me because I'm a guy. Have other guys made fun of them before and they feel comfortable around chicks (who are usually nice ((read: wimpy))? Holy shit I don't know how to deal with a double-parenthetical situation like that last sentence. I'm leaving that shit alone for now.
But anyway... yeah. Getting weird, and frankly annoying. I try and be nice and start casual banter, but they give short grunt-like answers (in fairness, the one guy usually grunts for most of his answers) and hurry on to the next area. They look glum and almost scared when around me, but brighten up and turn into chatterboxes when they move one desk over and talk to a chick.
Losers.
At first it was mildly forgivable, but now it's ventured into bothersome. So I'm exacting some revenge. First off, I'm going to start putting cups with liquids left in them in the trash (huge no-no). Also, when they are in some other area with their vacuum, I'm going to unplug it when they aren't looking and act like nothing happened.
Watch me.
They'll change their tune!
Caleb "Yeah, I'll fuck with a retarded janitor!" Shreves
Tweet
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Entry 94: The Whooping Post
Slackers,
One time my dad had Lyme disease. He nearly died. This seems ridiculous, since the title "Lyme disease" sounds like something fun and festive. Like maybe something you get at a Mexican restaurant on your birthday with a sombrero. It's not fun though- apparently it's zero fun. Funless. Without joy. But it's a disease with a name that tells you nothing about its symptoms. If you sprouted festive fruits for a week, then it'd be a different story.
Contrast that with a disease like "whooping cough," which is going around the work area. You know what you get with that? A cough. A whooping cough. What gives? Diseases should have names that reflect their symptoms. Scarlet Fever. Yup, you get a fever and your face can turn scarlet. Herpes. Nope. I don't even know what the fuck a 'herpe' is. How about a cold. Sometimes, it's a liar. While you can get the chills, I find for the most part that I get hot and feverish. As in, not cold. So cold is a liar.
So in honor of this new philosophy, I will be changing the names of the following diseases:
1. Chicken Pox. From now on this will be known as "red-bumps-all-over-itchy-mightdie-itis" Or, Itchy-bumpitis. That one has a nice ring.
2. Pneumonia. This will now be called "The Super Cold."
3. Hay Fever. The "hay" is redundant and this will now be called simply "fever."
4. Irritable Bowel Syndrome. This... well, okay, this one can stay.
5. Lupis. This will now be "your shit's fucked up" disease
That's a good start for now. If you have any more to add, please do. But don't suck.
Caleb "I don't have Lupis" Shreves Tweet
One time my dad had Lyme disease. He nearly died. This seems ridiculous, since the title "Lyme disease" sounds like something fun and festive. Like maybe something you get at a Mexican restaurant on your birthday with a sombrero. It's not fun though- apparently it's zero fun. Funless. Without joy. But it's a disease with a name that tells you nothing about its symptoms. If you sprouted festive fruits for a week, then it'd be a different story.
Contrast that with a disease like "whooping cough," which is going around the work area. You know what you get with that? A cough. A whooping cough. What gives? Diseases should have names that reflect their symptoms. Scarlet Fever. Yup, you get a fever and your face can turn scarlet. Herpes. Nope. I don't even know what the fuck a 'herpe' is. How about a cold. Sometimes, it's a liar. While you can get the chills, I find for the most part that I get hot and feverish. As in, not cold. So cold is a liar.
So in honor of this new philosophy, I will be changing the names of the following diseases:
1. Chicken Pox. From now on this will be known as "red-bumps-all-over-itchy-mightdie-itis" Or, Itchy-bumpitis. That one has a nice ring.
2. Pneumonia. This will now be called "The Super Cold."
3. Hay Fever. The "hay" is redundant and this will now be called simply "fever."
4. Irritable Bowel Syndrome. This... well, okay, this one can stay.
5. Lupis. This will now be "your shit's fucked up" disease
That's a good start for now. If you have any more to add, please do. But don't suck.
Caleb "I don't have Lupis" Shreves Tweet
Friday, September 24, 2010
Entry 93: The Dorkiness Has Taken Over
Creepers,
As you know I've been studying hard for the LSAT on October 9th. And, as you might have noticed, it's affecting my brain. Today hit a new low.
I was perusing an LSAT-related blog and some guy had put up funny pictures of Amish people. He asked for captions from readers. Rather than a caption, I actually created my own logic game based on the picture (Amish people and seagulls, fyi.)
It's not too difficult, so give it a try! I promise it's a functional and fair game.
CALEB'S SEAGULL GAME
Seven seagulls, A,B,C,D,E,F, and G, are going to shat upon the goofy hats of two Amish men, Jacob and Hezekiah. Each seagull will shit one of the two men, and each man will have at least one seagull shit on him. The following conditions apply:
At least two of seagulls A,B,C, and D will shit on Jacob
At least two of seagulls E,F, and G will shit on Hezekiah
If D shits on Jacob, then F does not shit on Hezekiah
If D does not shit on Jacob, then G shits on Jacob
A and B shit on the same Amish man
1. If Hezekiah is shit on by seagull D, and Jacob is not shit on by seagull C, which one of the following is a seagull that must shit on Jacob?
(A) Seagull C
(B) Seagull E
(C) Seagull B
(D) Seagull F
(E) Seagull D
2. If seagull B shits on Hezekiah, then which one of the following MUST BE TRUE?
(A) Seagull C shits on the same person as Seagull A
(B) Seagull F shits on the same person as Seagull C
(C) Seagull G shits on the same person as seagull D
(D) Seagull B shits on the same person as Seagull C
(E) Seagull A shits on the same person as seagull F
3. If the condition were added that seagull E had to shit on Jacob, which one of the following is a seagull that could NOT shit on Jacob?
(A) seagull D
(B) seagull B
(C) seagull A
(D) seagull C
(E) seagull E
4. How many different combinations of 4 seagulls could shit on Hezekiah?
(A) one
(B) two
(C) three
(D) four
(E) five
5. Which one of the following could be a complete and accurate listing of the seagulls that shit on Jacob?
(A) A, B, D
(B) D, G, A, B
(C) A, B, E
(D) A, B, E, D
(E) A, C, D, F
Good luck!
Tweet
As you know I've been studying hard for the LSAT on October 9th. And, as you might have noticed, it's affecting my brain. Today hit a new low.
I was perusing an LSAT-related blog and some guy had put up funny pictures of Amish people. He asked for captions from readers. Rather than a caption, I actually created my own logic game based on the picture (Amish people and seagulls, fyi.)
It's not too difficult, so give it a try! I promise it's a functional and fair game.
CALEB'S SEAGULL GAME
Seven seagulls, A,B,C,D,E,F, and G, are going to shat upon the goofy hats of two Amish men, Jacob and Hezekiah. Each seagull will shit one of the two men, and each man will have at least one seagull shit on him. The following conditions apply:
At least two of seagulls A,B,C, and D will shit on Jacob
At least two of seagulls E,F, and G will shit on Hezekiah
If D shits on Jacob, then F does not shit on Hezekiah
If D does not shit on Jacob, then G shits on Jacob
A and B shit on the same Amish man
1. If Hezekiah is shit on by seagull D, and Jacob is not shit on by seagull C, which one of the following is a seagull that must shit on Jacob?
(A) Seagull C
(B) Seagull E
(C) Seagull B
(D) Seagull F
(E) Seagull D
2. If seagull B shits on Hezekiah, then which one of the following MUST BE TRUE?
(A) Seagull C shits on the same person as Seagull A
(B) Seagull F shits on the same person as Seagull C
(C) Seagull G shits on the same person as seagull D
(D) Seagull B shits on the same person as Seagull C
(E) Seagull A shits on the same person as seagull F
3. If the condition were added that seagull E had to shit on Jacob, which one of the following is a seagull that could NOT shit on Jacob?
(A) seagull D
(B) seagull B
(C) seagull A
(D) seagull C
(E) seagull E
4. How many different combinations of 4 seagulls could shit on Hezekiah?
(A) one
(B) two
(C) three
(D) four
(E) five
5. Which one of the following could be a complete and accurate listing of the seagulls that shit on Jacob?
(A) A, B, D
(B) D, G, A, B
(C) A, B, E
(D) A, B, E, D
(E) A, C, D, F
Good luck!
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Entry 92: Douchebag
Survivors,
If you were not already aware, the coolest flask ever created was sent to me by my friend, the Stone Fox. Why is it so cool? It says Douchebag right on it. No need for guessing- this flask if for pure douchbaggery.
Douchebag wasted no time spreading his shenanigans. Major fights broke out in the town of McCausland (more than usual, anyway), normally reserved people have been getting extra hammered, and theft and suspicion of taken hold.
In fact, the catastrophic damage Douchebag was inflicting (showing up at Catholic weddings, getting girls hammered on Jack Daniels, ruining otherwise fine relationships) was so bad that a task force was organized to steal and hide away the flask forever.
Sadly, they were successful and Douchebag went missing for several weeks. He missed out on some epic drinking, softball shenanigans, and a chance to skydive. Luckily, I have another skydiving trip planned Oct. 22 (who's going with me?!) and plan on taking the flask in my pocket when I jump. After I drink the contents, of course.
I don't know how he escaped, but one day Douchebag was outside my house, leaning against the front door. Noone has admitted to its theft, but that's probably because I mounted an extensive rescue effort and threatened death and pure Caleb-insanity if it were not returned. I'd also like to thank Facebook for the help with the rescue.
I have pictures of just about everyone in my town with Douchbag, but that would be boring and a drag to post every one of them. So I'll put up just a few for now. But, if you remember Cledus' haircut from a few posts back (think Friar Tuck)- well, that was douchbag inspired.
I'm not done with the flask yet, but eventually I would like to pass it on to someone who will give it some new adventures, take some new pics, and pass it along to a worthy individual. Maybe years later there could be a douchbag-reunion party with all the custodians through the years. Success.
Caleb "dont take my damn flask" Shreves
Tweet
If you were not already aware, the coolest flask ever created was sent to me by my friend, the Stone Fox. Why is it so cool? It says Douchebag right on it. No need for guessing- this flask if for pure douchbaggery.
Douchebag wasted no time spreading his shenanigans. Major fights broke out in the town of McCausland (more than usual, anyway), normally reserved people have been getting extra hammered, and theft and suspicion of taken hold.
In fact, the catastrophic damage Douchebag was inflicting (showing up at Catholic weddings, getting girls hammered on Jack Daniels, ruining otherwise fine relationships) was so bad that a task force was organized to steal and hide away the flask forever.
Sadly, they were successful and Douchebag went missing for several weeks. He missed out on some epic drinking, softball shenanigans, and a chance to skydive. Luckily, I have another skydiving trip planned Oct. 22 (who's going with me?!) and plan on taking the flask in my pocket when I jump. After I drink the contents, of course.
I don't know how he escaped, but one day Douchebag was outside my house, leaning against the front door. Noone has admitted to its theft, but that's probably because I mounted an extensive rescue effort and threatened death and pure Caleb-insanity if it were not returned. I'd also like to thank Facebook for the help with the rescue.
I have pictures of just about everyone in my town with Douchbag, but that would be boring and a drag to post every one of them. So I'll put up just a few for now. But, if you remember Cledus' haircut from a few posts back (think Friar Tuck)- well, that was douchbag inspired.
I'm not done with the flask yet, but eventually I would like to pass it on to someone who will give it some new adventures, take some new pics, and pass it along to a worthy individual. Maybe years later there could be a douchbag-reunion party with all the custodians through the years. Success.
Caleb "dont take my damn flask" Shreves
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Entry 91: Laundry MIA
Sheshkababs,
In a testament to my ultimate laziness, I have had clean and dry laundry sitting in my dryer for over 8 days now. Just sittin' there, all dry, with only a minute's work between their purgatorial fate and the clothing-fulfillment that is a closet and dresser. I just can't muster the willpower to take care of it. I'm pretty sure that at this point it's a race to see who will get rescued first: my laundry or the Chilean miners.
Also,
I found one of my first comments I ever posted. It was in regards to a Men's Journal article detailing the levels of sports egos. I noticed it because today, 6 months after I posted it, the author commented that I was spot on. Comment was as follows:
Well wroted, Matt. Did anyone else wonder what they would do if they were super-talented, super-famous, super-rich athletes? I mean, "veritable mountain of stripper flesh" sounds a lot more interesting than "committed husband and father of two strapping lads not named after himself." I'd like to think that I wouldn't eat hot-dog buns full of cocaine and put a 5% spike in world condom sales, but who knows?
Caleb "i'm going home." Shreves Tweet
In a testament to my ultimate laziness, I have had clean and dry laundry sitting in my dryer for over 8 days now. Just sittin' there, all dry, with only a minute's work between their purgatorial fate and the clothing-fulfillment that is a closet and dresser. I just can't muster the willpower to take care of it. I'm pretty sure that at this point it's a race to see who will get rescued first: my laundry or the Chilean miners.
Also,
I found one of my first comments I ever posted. It was in regards to a Men's Journal article detailing the levels of sports egos. I noticed it because today, 6 months after I posted it, the author commented that I was spot on. Comment was as follows:
Well wroted, Matt. Did anyone else wonder what they would do if they were super-talented, super-famous, super-rich athletes? I mean, "veritable mountain of stripper flesh" sounds a lot more interesting than "committed husband and father of two strapping lads not named after himself." I'd like to think that I wouldn't eat hot-dog buns full of cocaine and put a 5% spike in world condom sales, but who knows?
Caleb "i'm going home." Shreves Tweet
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Entry 90: The Posts You Didn't See
Dreamers,
I thought I would share with you several post ideas I've had that- fortunately- I was smart enough not to post.
1. Coffee fiend.
This idea involved me in a hyper-caffeinated state typing "coffee coffee coffee coffee" etc. a million times over. That was the whole post. I thought about dressing it up a bit by occasionally putting the word coffee in parenthesis, or bold, or spelled backwards, or interspersing words like "good" and "me need" throughout.
2. Song in my head
As simple as it sounds. I get a song (actually a short, repeating phrase of a song) in my head and sometimes it lasts for days. I thought that maybe if I type it out it would help get rid of it. Here's a short sample of what's currently in my head: (if you know Bartok, you might know this one!) Ba dot, da da da-da-da-da dot dada dah, da da dat-dah dat-dah dah-dee-da-da-dah. I know, right? I was going to do an entire song that way.
3. TMI
I have on several occasions thought of describing in detail some sexual maneuvers I enjoy, stories even more embarrassing then the ones I already tell, and ultra-shameful tales from my youth. Some things just don't need sharin'.
4. Inane
I have sometimes wanted to post boring crap that happens to be going on. I have a cold today and it feels like this, I had a talk with someone yesterday that went like this, or I did this productive thing this weekend and it went like this. Lame. Sort of like those people that post every daily activity of their life on Facebook. "Just woke up!" "Driving to work." "At work now." "Getting some coffee, mmm!" "Spilled some of my coffee.. sadface." "Got more coffee! Hope today gets better." "Well, it's 5 minutes later now, day's not better." "I want to move somewhere... who's with me?" "Just got fired for too much Facebooking...lame!"
5. Miniseries
I've kicked around book-writing for a long time. At one point I had an idea for a sci-fi book that I almost started writing chapters for in this blog. But, while that's not a terrible idea, this isn't the place for that sort of idea. This is for shenanigans.
Last night I was drinking some Octoberfest and Red Stagg. The bartender (Um, ultra cute butt in tiny white shorts btw) was chatting outside with me about a friend of ours, The Johann, who she knows because, well, he's The Johann. As we're talking she says something about him not having a strong personality (if she only knew!) and I said he's great because he's one of those guys that is hilarious without ever meaning to be or knowing he is. She says:
"Really? That sounds cool... I wish I was that kind of person."
"You mean the kind of person who is hilarious without knowing it?"
"Yeah! That'd be fun."
"Well, maybe you already are and, of course, don't know it."
I saw the lights come on in this girl's eyes. I seriously had just rocked her world. She's standing there, dazed, and I say:
"Nah, don't worry. You're not."
I don't even think she got it.
Caleb "don't start nuttin won't be nuttin" Shreves Tweet
I thought I would share with you several post ideas I've had that- fortunately- I was smart enough not to post.
1. Coffee fiend.
This idea involved me in a hyper-caffeinated state typing "coffee coffee coffee coffee" etc. a million times over. That was the whole post. I thought about dressing it up a bit by occasionally putting the word coffee in parenthesis, or bold, or spelled backwards, or interspersing words like "good" and "me need" throughout.
2. Song in my head
As simple as it sounds. I get a song (actually a short, repeating phrase of a song) in my head and sometimes it lasts for days. I thought that maybe if I type it out it would help get rid of it. Here's a short sample of what's currently in my head: (if you know Bartok, you might know this one!) Ba dot, da da da-da-da-da dot dada dah, da da dat-dah dat-dah dah-dee-da-da-dah. I know, right? I was going to do an entire song that way.
3. TMI
I have on several occasions thought of describing in detail some sexual maneuvers I enjoy, stories even more embarrassing then the ones I already tell, and ultra-shameful tales from my youth. Some things just don't need sharin'.
4. Inane
I have sometimes wanted to post boring crap that happens to be going on. I have a cold today and it feels like this, I had a talk with someone yesterday that went like this, or I did this productive thing this weekend and it went like this. Lame. Sort of like those people that post every daily activity of their life on Facebook. "Just woke up!" "Driving to work." "At work now." "Getting some coffee, mmm!" "Spilled some of my coffee.. sadface." "Got more coffee! Hope today gets better." "Well, it's 5 minutes later now, day's not better." "I want to move somewhere... who's with me?" "Just got fired for too much Facebooking...lame!"
5. Miniseries
I've kicked around book-writing for a long time. At one point I had an idea for a sci-fi book that I almost started writing chapters for in this blog. But, while that's not a terrible idea, this isn't the place for that sort of idea. This is for shenanigans.
Last night I was drinking some Octoberfest and Red Stagg. The bartender (Um, ultra cute butt in tiny white shorts btw) was chatting outside with me about a friend of ours, The Johann, who she knows because, well, he's The Johann. As we're talking she says something about him not having a strong personality (if she only knew!) and I said he's great because he's one of those guys that is hilarious without ever meaning to be or knowing he is. She says:
"Really? That sounds cool... I wish I was that kind of person."
"You mean the kind of person who is hilarious without knowing it?"
"Yeah! That'd be fun."
"Well, maybe you already are and, of course, don't know it."
I saw the lights come on in this girl's eyes. I seriously had just rocked her world. She's standing there, dazed, and I say:
"Nah, don't worry. You're not."
I don't even think she got it.
Caleb "don't start nuttin won't be nuttin" Shreves Tweet
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Entry 89: Why Caleb Isn't Nice
Hulkamaniacs,
Some of you who know me already know where I'm going. I hate the term nice. Yes, hate. I used to think "Oh, yeah, it's pretty good. Nothing wrong with nice, right?" Oh how ignorant I was.
Then I started getting mildly annoyed with "nice." Watching awkwardly as people insisted that someone go ahead of them in line (No you go. No you. No you. No you. Okay, I'll go. You're so nice.) -holding everyone up behind them, mind you- thinking "oh, they're just being nice."
You hear about someone who is "nice" all the time.
"Why'd you break up with her? She was nice!"
Yeah? Well she was also an idiot, boring, lame, and weak. But she was nice, right?
Whatever. Nice has gone full circle back to its Latin roots, where it was derived from the word "nescire" which means to "not know." Yes, it meant "dumb" for centuries and I'm bringing its true meaning back.
Think of every person that you think of as really "nice." How many of them have any guts? How many are essentially weak people that never assert themselves, never stand up for anything, and avoid any confrontation at any cost. How many of them are complete dullards? How many are spineless? Boring? Obsequious? Perpetually deferential? Annoying.
But what about the good qualities of "nice." When we truly mean it in a positive way? Then be specific. Most of us use "nice" because we're too lazy to think of the positive trait we're really trying to describe. Traits that I'm not against one bit. Think: generous, patient, considerate, insightful, etc. These are all fine traits that should be lauded and strove for. But nice? Fuck that noise.
Many of you readers are of the dating variety and read/write articles on the world of dating. How does "nice" fit in there? Ever read a story about how people don't want the "nice" girl/guy? Or how you date someone who was "nice" but "eh"? Maybe you want the "nice" guy who has an edge? Yeah, basically you want some of the positive qualities associated with "nice" but not the spineless-dullard-pansy part. Who wants that?
I propose that it's okay to hate the word "nice." To not use it, to banish it from our vocabularies except in the context of what the word actually means.
So if I tell you I went out with someone and they were "nice"- you'll know what I mean.
Caleb "not very nice" Shreves Tweet
Some of you who know me already know where I'm going. I hate the term nice. Yes, hate. I used to think "Oh, yeah, it's pretty good. Nothing wrong with nice, right?" Oh how ignorant I was.
Then I started getting mildly annoyed with "nice." Watching awkwardly as people insisted that someone go ahead of them in line (No you go. No you. No you. No you. Okay, I'll go. You're so nice.) -holding everyone up behind them, mind you- thinking "oh, they're just being nice."
You hear about someone who is "nice" all the time.
"Why'd you break up with her? She was nice!"
Yeah? Well she was also an idiot, boring, lame, and weak. But she was nice, right?
Whatever. Nice has gone full circle back to its Latin roots, where it was derived from the word "nescire" which means to "not know." Yes, it meant "dumb" for centuries and I'm bringing its true meaning back.
Think of every person that you think of as really "nice." How many of them have any guts? How many are essentially weak people that never assert themselves, never stand up for anything, and avoid any confrontation at any cost. How many of them are complete dullards? How many are spineless? Boring? Obsequious? Perpetually deferential? Annoying.
But what about the good qualities of "nice." When we truly mean it in a positive way? Then be specific. Most of us use "nice" because we're too lazy to think of the positive trait we're really trying to describe. Traits that I'm not against one bit. Think: generous, patient, considerate, insightful, etc. These are all fine traits that should be lauded and strove for. But nice? Fuck that noise.
Many of you readers are of the dating variety and read/write articles on the world of dating. How does "nice" fit in there? Ever read a story about how people don't want the "nice" girl/guy? Or how you date someone who was "nice" but "eh"? Maybe you want the "nice" guy who has an edge? Yeah, basically you want some of the positive qualities associated with "nice" but not the spineless-dullard-pansy part. Who wants that?
I propose that it's okay to hate the word "nice." To not use it, to banish it from our vocabularies except in the context of what the word actually means.
So if I tell you I went out with someone and they were "nice"- you'll know what I mean.
Caleb "not very nice" Shreves Tweet
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)