Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Entry 94: The Whooping Post


One time my dad had Lyme disease.  He nearly died.  This seems ridiculous, since the title "Lyme disease" sounds like something fun and festive.  Like maybe something you get at a Mexican restaurant on your birthday with a sombrero. It's not fun though- apparently it's zero fun.  Funless.  Without joy.  But it's a disease with a name that tells you nothing about its symptoms.  If you sprouted festive fruits for a week, then it'd be a different story.

Contrast that with a disease like "whooping cough," which is going around the work area.  You know what you get with that?  A cough.  A whooping cough.  What gives?  Diseases should have names that reflect their symptoms.  Scarlet Fever.  Yup, you get a fever and your face can turn scarlet.  Herpes.  Nope.  I don't even know what the fuck a 'herpe' is.  How about a cold. Sometimes, it's a liar.  While you can get the chills, I find for the most part that I get hot and feverish.  As in, not cold.  So cold is a liar.

So in honor of this new philosophy, I will be changing the names of the following diseases:

1. Chicken Pox.  From now on this will be known as "red-bumps-all-over-itchy-mightdie-itis"  Or, Itchy-bumpitis.  That one has a nice ring.
2. Pneumonia.  This will now be called "The Super Cold."
3. Hay Fever.  The "hay" is redundant and this will now be called simply "fever."
4. Irritable Bowel Syndrome.  This... well, okay, this one can stay.
5. Lupis.  This will now be "your shit's fucked up" disease

That's a good start for now.  If you have any more to add, please do.  But don't suck.

Caleb "I don't have Lupis" Shreves


  1. Well, Shingles is caused by chicken pox.

    And I think that Gonorrhea should always be called The Clap.

    P.S. Did you mean Lupus?

  2. What about influenza?
    I certainly never feel 'influenced' to do a damn thing when I have the flu. It shall be referred to as "even-my-hair-hurts-just-kill-me-alreadyza."

  3. I think meningitis should be changed. For one thing...to me it sounds like I'm getting laid...ya know... Men...getting in...my Gitis...just sayin'