Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Day 11: Midterm and Preview

Hey there, Constant Reader.

It's time to reflect a bit on the thought-cacophony that is this blog.
Truth is, I enjoy it! I look forward to myself (heh heh) and think this
whole thing is vaguely... cathartic. This is gross, but it's kind of
like when you have some uh... "big things" on your bathroom agenda;
you're reluctant to go take care of it, but afterwords you have a little
spring in your step. Good trade overall.

I've decided to bring you something special for the rest of this week.
I'm going to go all investigatory journalist on you and bring you some
real-world breakup shenanigans. There's a good one going on right now,
and while I will omit or change their real names, I will give you full
and juicy details on the real haps. Who doesn't enjoy reading about
some snivel-y ex who pours his heart out in some lame, sad, whiny, vomit
of feelings to someone who literally and utterly does not care?

Men think they are safe when they send these whine-filled letters and
emails out, but it turns out that you women have an evil, evil heart and
would knowingly tell me about and even send me these putrid lost-love
letters. Should I reveal to the world the lameness of a man who put his
testes in a vase of roses and said "here honey, I won't be needing these
anymore. And I hope you like the flowers." Or should I keep them
private? Should I show you some of the honest-to-goodness ball-lessness
and absolute depths of loser-tude that men will sink to in order to
reclaim a lost girl? Maybe I should hide all of this. Keep it private;
respect a man's losses.


So, beginning tomorrow and going through Friday, I will be bringing you
the story of "Juanita" and "Bert" and the tragic (or awesome, depending
on perspective) ending of their relationship. In case you want a
preview, cinema-style, here ya go:

1. Juanita and Bert meet
2. They spend years together, crappy relationship ensues
3. Breakup!
4. Juanita says, "nay, Bert, our relationship is done because you suck
and cheated"
5. Bert says, "I'm a big whiny turd and everything's my fault and take
me back and I'm sad and I miss you and I'll do anything and I miss you
and I'm sad and I won't contact you anymore but then I'm going to
contact you and I'm sad and did I tell you that I'm sad?

Yeah, chapter 5 is the best part. I hate embarrassing a man like this,
but if I don't show the rest of you what NOT to do, then this tragic
event is in danger of repeating itself. And I can't live with that kind
of guilt.

See you tomorrow!

PS can we send a little love the Cubs way? Seriously- this is not a
good start. As Kyle says, "starting pitchers are striking out a
thousand hitters and saving babies" and it still doesn't matter. Sigh.
Go. Cubs. Go.

PSS Top overheard comment of the day: "I put it in my vag-thing." I don't even know.

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