Thursday, April 8, 2010

Day 3: 5 Tips For Care and Maintenance of Your Girlfriend!

Hello and welcome! My name is Caleb Shreves and I will be guiding you
on the proper care and maintenance of your girlfriend with five,
easy-to-use tips that will ensure that your relationship is a successful

Number one. Girlfriends need lots of exercise! If you are at home and
your girlfriend seems to be doing a lot of pacing and moving around,
it's probably time to take her for a walk and burn off some of that
energy. I recommend having a leash right by the door for convenience so
that, when she's restless, it's a snap to just grab the leash and walk
her around the block a few times. If, at the end of the walk, she
appears extra energetic, you should hold still and let her go in
circles around you. Just let her run it off! This way, she will be all
tuckered out later and will fall asleep so you can play Xbox Live.

Number two. Girls. Like. Eating!! You may have one of those girlfriend
types that pretend to like salads and pick at their food, but gentlemen
let me tell you that this is a sham and that she definitely has food
hidden somewhere. Your goal should be to break through this salad
barrier and get her to eat lots of food; preferably heavier foods like
steak and potatoes. If she is full she is less likely to bother you
when its sleepy time. Personally I recommend giving girls a steak
sandwich... but not too many!

Number three. Distractions. Always have something handy with which you
can distract your girlfriend in case she starts to hassle you or just
seems playful. I recommend anything shiny -beads, necklaces, shirts
with glitter- or something fun like a ball of twine. This is also handy
if you don't feel like taking her for a walk but you want to tire her out- just have a tennis ball (with glitter) and play fetch! She'll
be zonked out and you'll be pagghin' N00bs on Halo in no time. Also,
distractions can be vital when you need to make a quick getaway.

Number four. Girls like them some sex! They need it, too. And let me
remind you fellas, if you aren't having sex with your girlfriend,
someone else is! (not me.) You need to be having sex with your
girlfriend at least twice, ok, four times (?) per week no matter what. So
if you don't have time- make time! Sex also produces chemicals in a
woman that can make her more friendly, more loyal, and sometimes?

Number five. You might have noticed that the first four tips all in
some way related to sleeping. That's good that you noticed because it
leads directly into tip number 5: sleepy time. If you have ever had a
cat, or have known someone with a cat, you probably know that cats are
on a different schedule than we are. When we are sleeping, they are
running laps around the house, right? Well, girlfriends are on
different sleep schedules than us too. That's why you either have had or will
have a girl tap you on the shoulder right as you are about to fall
asleep, waking you up from the dream you were just starting to have, and
she'll say something like "Pss... I was wondering if we could talk about
us..." No! Gentlemen, no. It is never, ever, ever, ever a good idea
to talk about, "us", right before bed. If you haven't already wore her
out through proper diet, exercise, play, or sex, then this is a good
opportunity to pretend to be asleep. Do NOT wake up and commence a
conversation. "us" is never a good conversation. Just let her fret and
lay awake for awhile. Don't worry- she's done it before. She'll be

Okay then! My name is Caleb Shreves and these have been five tips to
care for and maintain your girlfriend. You should now be able to handle
even the most troublesome of girls! If, however, you have found
yourself with one that is extra crazy don't worry; I'll be putting out
an Asian-girl survival guide soon. Good luck!


  1. You forgot to recommend giving her a chew toy. Especially if you don't want her to substitute your genitals for that function after reading this blog.

  2. ummm....

    this makes me very glad we never dated in college...