Friday, April 16, 2010

Day 9: Breakups, Peculiarities, and Would-You-Rathers

Today: breakups, peculiarities, and would-you-rathers. Bring it.

What to do when a she-devil stomps on your bro's heart? Flaming bags of
poo on her doorstep? A series of encouraging man-talks to console your
friend? Hang out and make beef jerky and poop with the doors open?
Well, I don't think there is a specific method of handling situations
like this, but there are probably some constructive actions one could
take to mitigate the damage. I don't know any, so mostly I think it's
best just to get your friend drunk. Hammered style. I mean who hasn't
been through a painful breakup and needed to down a bottle of
goldschlager, puke, and bemoan how craptastic the opposite sex is?

Ever seen that drunk girl at a bar with a posse of girlfriends that
rival the defensive power of the Green bay Packers defensive line? "You
know what? You know what? Men, suck. No-no. You don't know. They
suck. Like, Todd doesn't even know what he's going to miss out on. I'm
totally gonna do anal now to piss him off." Cue: hiccups, tears, and
hugs. Oh- and stumbling.

Or that dude that's pounding beers and shots like a pro and acting as if
everything is totally fine? Where his buddy cautiously adds "yeah dude;
she's a bitch." And he says "yeah, I know. I don't even care. Haley
was a whore all along. I was totally just trying to get in her
backdoor. Whatever. There's this chick in my English class I was going
to bang anyway. Whatever. Shots! Let's do shots. And play some
fuckin' darts. Bitches."

Ahh, love.

Note: there is a guy at my work who stares straight at the wall and hums
when he's at the urinal. Normal?

So, ironically, after my expose on government workers yesterday I went
to a party that a bunch of government people were at and... scary.
Literally, 75% or better fit my description pretty closely. I didn't
know the market for short sleeved button shirts was so big.

Okay... would you rather:

Get eaten by a bear or a lion?

Have expert hacking skills or be able to fly a plane?

Be able to yell really loudly or be able to jump twice as high as you
can now?

Eat only hamburgers every day for 6 months or eat only broccoli for 1

Have a leaky nose and a migraine or a leaky butt and white pants?

Ok, that was gross.

Happy Smoking Friday!

Caleb "Danger" Shreves

No comments:

Post a Comment