Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Day 12: Juanita and Bert


As promised, today I bring you the saga of "Juanita and Bert" in all its
glory. Bring your tissues, ladies, cause Bert's pining for lost love is
going to make your cry like John Mayer just read you a haiku. Not.
Men: beware, and learn from young Bert's mistakes. It's never a good
idea to abandon all manhood (literally and figuratively) and throw
yourself to a woman's mercy (oxymoron). In that scenario man's overall
win-loss record is an astounding 27 trillion and 0. Zip.
"Expect no quarter, lads, for none shall be given." -Alfred Einstein

So Juanita and Bert breakup. Bert moves away, Juanita has the house and
the dog, things are relatively amicable, and then things go bad. What
happens? Bert leaves his testes on the bus and forgets to even call
lost and found. Long, crying conversations over the phone. Random
visits to "get something he left" from the house. Trips home to see his
"family" (read: make more mopey phone calls and cry). Juanita, on the
other hand, moves on. And by "moves on" I mean gets over the
relationship, begins to resent Bert's wimp-osity (he rates a 9.9 on the
standard wimp scale), and starts banging younger men. Typical, right?

Well, the emails/calls/texts/etc. get worse. Lots worse. If I can dig
up some of the original emails and whatnot I will, but for now let's
fast-forward and begin examining some of Bert's lame heart-spewings.
Juanita, months ago, stopped responding to any communications from Bert.
After she continues to receive a message or two per week, she finally
snaps and sends a message to Bert that, basically, should shrivel a
man's wiener all the way up- creating an "in-y" as the belly-button
folks would say- north until it pierces that massive blob of red-crybaby
he calls his heart. To paraphrase Juanita's message: "I hate you, I'm
banging other dudes, these other dudes sleep in your spot and my dog
loves them twice as much as he ever loved you. Bugger off." That should
have done it, right? Here is Bert's response:

It's raining here, and I'm listening to it, and I'm thinking too much. I
just wanted to say hi and let you know I was thinking of you and I hope
everything is going great for you. I realize you won't respond to this,
or I'll just get another very angry text, but my goal isn't to provoke
that. I don't really have a goal, actually. I just really needed to say
hi, this morning. I had a long dream about you, and it made me sad, so
I'm writing this and it's probably a mistake to do so, but I'm doing it
anyway. And I really hope it doesn't hurt you to hear from me. If it
does, let me know and I'll disappear. So, I know it sounds stupid, but I
miss saying it and I wanted to wish you a good day of work, and a great
day in general. And a great life. And everything else.


O.M.F.G, right?? First off, any message that starts with "Hey, it's
raining here..." is virtually guaranteed to drip lameness like the
crotch of a tranny with VD down on 2nd street. And, what? No mention
of the awful email he JUST GOT? Was he even listening? Hey ladies-
when a guy tells you how "sad" he is and how he's thinking about you in
the rain (probably while yerking off to some Enya) does it get you all
hot inside? I thought women liked MEN? Oh- and remember the key
phrase: "...and I'll disappear," for later and we'll see how that works out.

Interesting side-note: I counted the "me, I, mine, etc." references, the
"you, you're, etc." references, and the "us" references and compared them.
Final tally?
'Me'= 22
'You'= 7
'Us'= 0

As long as you're spewing out a vagina-drying sad-athon sure to fail in
your try-to-get-her-back attempts, you might as well throw in a healthy
dose of self-absorbed narcissism. I mean, what girl doesn't like a guy
that refers to himself 3 times more than you even when he's trying to win you back?!
So after Bert doesn't hear from Juanita again, he disappears like he
promised, right? Nope. Not Bert! His eternal optimism (luckily not
encumbered by any anchor to reality) leads him to send a follow-up email
after a healthy waiting period of what I imagine had to be at least 30

"If at first you don't succeed, try repeatedly over and over
again until your pride and manliness are small enough as to be
undetectable with a black-hole powered electron super-microscope"
Barbara Walters

Just wanted to say that I received your message (or lack of...), loud
and clear. I couldn't go without at least *trying* to reach out to you
and fixing things. I miss you and wanted to see what I could do. Which
is apparently nothing. But still, I can say I tried. Just too little,
too late. I wish you the best, Juanita. I will forever miss laughing
with you. You won't hear from me again.


Yup. And, FYI, "me" is Bert McWeaksauce. I waved my 'blame-wand' over
this email and it went into the red. Is Bert seriously starting to get
a little peeved that Juanita won't even try? Nope. I think "peeved"
would be too close of an emotion to "mad" which is borderline manly.
And we know it can't be that. Remember all that laughing together that
Bert and Juanita did? Yeah, me neither. Bert might have laughed as he
banged some skank from his high school days, and Juanita might have
laughed when she used a bunch of Bert's old gift cards to buy herself
presents, but laughing together? Not so much.

So, Bert has stated that he "got the message" and that "you won't hear
from me again." Will Bert stay true to his word? Has Juanita heard the last of old Bert? Will Bert get the hint and perhaps start the long trek back up Mount Manly? We'll find out tomorrow with the second installment of "Juanita and Bert." Stay tuned!



  1. I have been on the receiving end of those sad vagina-drying emails, letters, texts and roses left at the front door. Up to and including sad, pathetic stares that move to red-hot anger at the mere mention of my AGAIN STATED LACK OF DESIRE to ever have anything to do with above stated "sad sack."

    MEN - you're not gaining anything by expressing yourself AFTER the fact. Once the damage is done, move on. Pack up your sac and go away. (naturally I mean this in the nicest way possible). Or do I...??

  2. Good advice, turtlgrl. That's why they invented drinking buddies and Jack Daniels. Just hide your phone first!