Hippies (better not be!)
There are two dudes that come around every day and vacuum, empty trash, etc. One is mentally challenged (can we still say retarded?) and the other seems like a nice enough guy. I hear them chatting it up with every chick within 300 feet of me, but they clam up and get weird when they are around me (or any other man, I've noticed).
What gives? I always feel like they are pre-disposed to dislike me because I'm a guy. Have other guys made fun of them before and they feel comfortable around chicks (who are usually nice ((read: wimpy))? Holy shit I don't know how to deal with a double-parenthetical situation like that last sentence. I'm leaving that shit alone for now.
But anyway... yeah. Getting weird, and frankly annoying. I try and be nice and start casual banter, but they give short grunt-like answers (in fairness, the one guy usually grunts for most of his answers) and hurry on to the next area. They look glum and almost scared when around me, but brighten up and turn into chatterboxes when they move one desk over and talk to a chick.
Losers.
At first it was mildly forgivable, but now it's ventured into bothersome. So I'm exacting some revenge. First off, I'm going to start putting cups with liquids left in them in the trash (huge no-no). Also, when they are in some other area with their vacuum, I'm going to unplug it when they aren't looking and act like nothing happened.
Watch me.
They'll change their tune!
Caleb "Yeah, I'll fuck with a retarded janitor!" Shreves
Tweet
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Entry 94: The Whooping Post
Slackers,
One time my dad had Lyme disease. He nearly died. This seems ridiculous, since the title "Lyme disease" sounds like something fun and festive. Like maybe something you get at a Mexican restaurant on your birthday with a sombrero. It's not fun though- apparently it's zero fun. Funless. Without joy. But it's a disease with a name that tells you nothing about its symptoms. If you sprouted festive fruits for a week, then it'd be a different story.
Contrast that with a disease like "whooping cough," which is going around the work area. You know what you get with that? A cough. A whooping cough. What gives? Diseases should have names that reflect their symptoms. Scarlet Fever. Yup, you get a fever and your face can turn scarlet. Herpes. Nope. I don't even know what the fuck a 'herpe' is. How about a cold. Sometimes, it's a liar. While you can get the chills, I find for the most part that I get hot and feverish. As in, not cold. So cold is a liar.
So in honor of this new philosophy, I will be changing the names of the following diseases:
1. Chicken Pox. From now on this will be known as "red-bumps-all-over-itchy-mightdie-itis" Or, Itchy-bumpitis. That one has a nice ring.
2. Pneumonia. This will now be called "The Super Cold."
3. Hay Fever. The "hay" is redundant and this will now be called simply "fever."
4. Irritable Bowel Syndrome. This... well, okay, this one can stay.
5. Lupis. This will now be "your shit's fucked up" disease
That's a good start for now. If you have any more to add, please do. But don't suck.
Caleb "I don't have Lupis" Shreves Tweet
One time my dad had Lyme disease. He nearly died. This seems ridiculous, since the title "Lyme disease" sounds like something fun and festive. Like maybe something you get at a Mexican restaurant on your birthday with a sombrero. It's not fun though- apparently it's zero fun. Funless. Without joy. But it's a disease with a name that tells you nothing about its symptoms. If you sprouted festive fruits for a week, then it'd be a different story.
Contrast that with a disease like "whooping cough," which is going around the work area. You know what you get with that? A cough. A whooping cough. What gives? Diseases should have names that reflect their symptoms. Scarlet Fever. Yup, you get a fever and your face can turn scarlet. Herpes. Nope. I don't even know what the fuck a 'herpe' is. How about a cold. Sometimes, it's a liar. While you can get the chills, I find for the most part that I get hot and feverish. As in, not cold. So cold is a liar.
So in honor of this new philosophy, I will be changing the names of the following diseases:
1. Chicken Pox. From now on this will be known as "red-bumps-all-over-itchy-mightdie-itis" Or, Itchy-bumpitis. That one has a nice ring.
2. Pneumonia. This will now be called "The Super Cold."
3. Hay Fever. The "hay" is redundant and this will now be called simply "fever."
4. Irritable Bowel Syndrome. This... well, okay, this one can stay.
5. Lupis. This will now be "your shit's fucked up" disease
That's a good start for now. If you have any more to add, please do. But don't suck.
Caleb "I don't have Lupis" Shreves Tweet
Friday, September 24, 2010
Entry 93: The Dorkiness Has Taken Over
Creepers,
As you know I've been studying hard for the LSAT on October 9th. And, as you might have noticed, it's affecting my brain. Today hit a new low.
I was perusing an LSAT-related blog and some guy had put up funny pictures of Amish people. He asked for captions from readers. Rather than a caption, I actually created my own logic game based on the picture (Amish people and seagulls, fyi.)
It's not too difficult, so give it a try! I promise it's a functional and fair game.
CALEB'S SEAGULL GAME
Seven seagulls, A,B,C,D,E,F, and G, are going to shat upon the goofy hats of two Amish men, Jacob and Hezekiah. Each seagull will shit one of the two men, and each man will have at least one seagull shit on him. The following conditions apply:
At least two of seagulls A,B,C, and D will shit on Jacob
At least two of seagulls E,F, and G will shit on Hezekiah
If D shits on Jacob, then F does not shit on Hezekiah
If D does not shit on Jacob, then G shits on Jacob
A and B shit on the same Amish man
1. If Hezekiah is shit on by seagull D, and Jacob is not shit on by seagull C, which one of the following is a seagull that must shit on Jacob?
(A) Seagull C
(B) Seagull E
(C) Seagull B
(D) Seagull F
(E) Seagull D
2. If seagull B shits on Hezekiah, then which one of the following MUST BE TRUE?
(A) Seagull C shits on the same person as Seagull A
(B) Seagull F shits on the same person as Seagull C
(C) Seagull G shits on the same person as seagull D
(D) Seagull B shits on the same person as Seagull C
(E) Seagull A shits on the same person as seagull F
3. If the condition were added that seagull E had to shit on Jacob, which one of the following is a seagull that could NOT shit on Jacob?
(A) seagull D
(B) seagull B
(C) seagull A
(D) seagull C
(E) seagull E
4. How many different combinations of 4 seagulls could shit on Hezekiah?
(A) one
(B) two
(C) three
(D) four
(E) five
5. Which one of the following could be a complete and accurate listing of the seagulls that shit on Jacob?
(A) A, B, D
(B) D, G, A, B
(C) A, B, E
(D) A, B, E, D
(E) A, C, D, F
Good luck!
Tweet
As you know I've been studying hard for the LSAT on October 9th. And, as you might have noticed, it's affecting my brain. Today hit a new low.
I was perusing an LSAT-related blog and some guy had put up funny pictures of Amish people. He asked for captions from readers. Rather than a caption, I actually created my own logic game based on the picture (Amish people and seagulls, fyi.)
It's not too difficult, so give it a try! I promise it's a functional and fair game.
CALEB'S SEAGULL GAME
Seven seagulls, A,B,C,D,E,F, and G, are going to shat upon the goofy hats of two Amish men, Jacob and Hezekiah. Each seagull will shit one of the two men, and each man will have at least one seagull shit on him. The following conditions apply:
At least two of seagulls A,B,C, and D will shit on Jacob
At least two of seagulls E,F, and G will shit on Hezekiah
If D shits on Jacob, then F does not shit on Hezekiah
If D does not shit on Jacob, then G shits on Jacob
A and B shit on the same Amish man
1. If Hezekiah is shit on by seagull D, and Jacob is not shit on by seagull C, which one of the following is a seagull that must shit on Jacob?
(A) Seagull C
(B) Seagull E
(C) Seagull B
(D) Seagull F
(E) Seagull D
2. If seagull B shits on Hezekiah, then which one of the following MUST BE TRUE?
(A) Seagull C shits on the same person as Seagull A
(B) Seagull F shits on the same person as Seagull C
(C) Seagull G shits on the same person as seagull D
(D) Seagull B shits on the same person as Seagull C
(E) Seagull A shits on the same person as seagull F
3. If the condition were added that seagull E had to shit on Jacob, which one of the following is a seagull that could NOT shit on Jacob?
(A) seagull D
(B) seagull B
(C) seagull A
(D) seagull C
(E) seagull E
4. How many different combinations of 4 seagulls could shit on Hezekiah?
(A) one
(B) two
(C) three
(D) four
(E) five
5. Which one of the following could be a complete and accurate listing of the seagulls that shit on Jacob?
(A) A, B, D
(B) D, G, A, B
(C) A, B, E
(D) A, B, E, D
(E) A, C, D, F
Good luck!
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Entry 92: Douchebag
Survivors,
If you were not already aware, the coolest flask ever created was sent to me by my friend, the Stone Fox. Why is it so cool? It says Douchebag right on it. No need for guessing- this flask if for pure douchbaggery.
Douchebag wasted no time spreading his shenanigans. Major fights broke out in the town of McCausland (more than usual, anyway), normally reserved people have been getting extra hammered, and theft and suspicion of taken hold.
In fact, the catastrophic damage Douchebag was inflicting (showing up at Catholic weddings, getting girls hammered on Jack Daniels, ruining otherwise fine relationships) was so bad that a task force was organized to steal and hide away the flask forever.
Sadly, they were successful and Douchebag went missing for several weeks. He missed out on some epic drinking, softball shenanigans, and a chance to skydive. Luckily, I have another skydiving trip planned Oct. 22 (who's going with me?!) and plan on taking the flask in my pocket when I jump. After I drink the contents, of course.
I don't know how he escaped, but one day Douchebag was outside my house, leaning against the front door. Noone has admitted to its theft, but that's probably because I mounted an extensive rescue effort and threatened death and pure Caleb-insanity if it were not returned. I'd also like to thank Facebook for the help with the rescue.
I have pictures of just about everyone in my town with Douchbag, but that would be boring and a drag to post every one of them. So I'll put up just a few for now. But, if you remember Cledus' haircut from a few posts back (think Friar Tuck)- well, that was douchbag inspired.
I'm not done with the flask yet, but eventually I would like to pass it on to someone who will give it some new adventures, take some new pics, and pass it along to a worthy individual. Maybe years later there could be a douchbag-reunion party with all the custodians through the years. Success.
Caleb "dont take my damn flask" Shreves
Tweet
If you were not already aware, the coolest flask ever created was sent to me by my friend, the Stone Fox. Why is it so cool? It says Douchebag right on it. No need for guessing- this flask if for pure douchbaggery.
Douchebag wasted no time spreading his shenanigans. Major fights broke out in the town of McCausland (more than usual, anyway), normally reserved people have been getting extra hammered, and theft and suspicion of taken hold.
In fact, the catastrophic damage Douchebag was inflicting (showing up at Catholic weddings, getting girls hammered on Jack Daniels, ruining otherwise fine relationships) was so bad that a task force was organized to steal and hide away the flask forever.
Sadly, they were successful and Douchebag went missing for several weeks. He missed out on some epic drinking, softball shenanigans, and a chance to skydive. Luckily, I have another skydiving trip planned Oct. 22 (who's going with me?!) and plan on taking the flask in my pocket when I jump. After I drink the contents, of course.
I don't know how he escaped, but one day Douchebag was outside my house, leaning against the front door. Noone has admitted to its theft, but that's probably because I mounted an extensive rescue effort and threatened death and pure Caleb-insanity if it were not returned. I'd also like to thank Facebook for the help with the rescue.
I have pictures of just about everyone in my town with Douchbag, but that would be boring and a drag to post every one of them. So I'll put up just a few for now. But, if you remember Cledus' haircut from a few posts back (think Friar Tuck)- well, that was douchbag inspired.
I'm not done with the flask yet, but eventually I would like to pass it on to someone who will give it some new adventures, take some new pics, and pass it along to a worthy individual. Maybe years later there could be a douchbag-reunion party with all the custodians through the years. Success.
Caleb "dont take my damn flask" Shreves
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Entry 91: Laundry MIA
Sheshkababs,
In a testament to my ultimate laziness, I have had clean and dry laundry sitting in my dryer for over 8 days now. Just sittin' there, all dry, with only a minute's work between their purgatorial fate and the clothing-fulfillment that is a closet and dresser. I just can't muster the willpower to take care of it. I'm pretty sure that at this point it's a race to see who will get rescued first: my laundry or the Chilean miners.
Also,
I found one of my first comments I ever posted. It was in regards to a Men's Journal article detailing the levels of sports egos. I noticed it because today, 6 months after I posted it, the author commented that I was spot on. Comment was as follows:
Well wroted, Matt. Did anyone else wonder what they would do if they were super-talented, super-famous, super-rich athletes? I mean, "veritable mountain of stripper flesh" sounds a lot more interesting than "committed husband and father of two strapping lads not named after himself." I'd like to think that I wouldn't eat hot-dog buns full of cocaine and put a 5% spike in world condom sales, but who knows?
Caleb "i'm going home." Shreves Tweet
In a testament to my ultimate laziness, I have had clean and dry laundry sitting in my dryer for over 8 days now. Just sittin' there, all dry, with only a minute's work between their purgatorial fate and the clothing-fulfillment that is a closet and dresser. I just can't muster the willpower to take care of it. I'm pretty sure that at this point it's a race to see who will get rescued first: my laundry or the Chilean miners.
Also,
I found one of my first comments I ever posted. It was in regards to a Men's Journal article detailing the levels of sports egos. I noticed it because today, 6 months after I posted it, the author commented that I was spot on. Comment was as follows:
Well wroted, Matt. Did anyone else wonder what they would do if they were super-talented, super-famous, super-rich athletes? I mean, "veritable mountain of stripper flesh" sounds a lot more interesting than "committed husband and father of two strapping lads not named after himself." I'd like to think that I wouldn't eat hot-dog buns full of cocaine and put a 5% spike in world condom sales, but who knows?
Caleb "i'm going home." Shreves Tweet
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Entry 90: The Posts You Didn't See
Dreamers,
I thought I would share with you several post ideas I've had that- fortunately- I was smart enough not to post.
1. Coffee fiend.
This idea involved me in a hyper-caffeinated state typing "coffee coffee coffee coffee" etc. a million times over. That was the whole post. I thought about dressing it up a bit by occasionally putting the word coffee in parenthesis, or bold, or spelled backwards, or interspersing words like "good" and "me need" throughout.
2. Song in my head
As simple as it sounds. I get a song (actually a short, repeating phrase of a song) in my head and sometimes it lasts for days. I thought that maybe if I type it out it would help get rid of it. Here's a short sample of what's currently in my head: (if you know Bartok, you might know this one!) Ba dot, da da da-da-da-da dot dada dah, da da dat-dah dat-dah dah-dee-da-da-dah. I know, right? I was going to do an entire song that way.
3. TMI
I have on several occasions thought of describing in detail some sexual maneuvers I enjoy, stories even more embarrassing then the ones I already tell, and ultra-shameful tales from my youth. Some things just don't need sharin'.
4. Inane
I have sometimes wanted to post boring crap that happens to be going on. I have a cold today and it feels like this, I had a talk with someone yesterday that went like this, or I did this productive thing this weekend and it went like this. Lame. Sort of like those people that post every daily activity of their life on Facebook. "Just woke up!" "Driving to work." "At work now." "Getting some coffee, mmm!" "Spilled some of my coffee.. sadface." "Got more coffee! Hope today gets better." "Well, it's 5 minutes later now, day's not better." "I want to move somewhere... who's with me?" "Just got fired for too much Facebooking...lame!"
5. Miniseries
I've kicked around book-writing for a long time. At one point I had an idea for a sci-fi book that I almost started writing chapters for in this blog. But, while that's not a terrible idea, this isn't the place for that sort of idea. This is for shenanigans.
Last night I was drinking some Octoberfest and Red Stagg. The bartender (Um, ultra cute butt in tiny white shorts btw) was chatting outside with me about a friend of ours, The Johann, who she knows because, well, he's The Johann. As we're talking she says something about him not having a strong personality (if she only knew!) and I said he's great because he's one of those guys that is hilarious without ever meaning to be or knowing he is. She says:
"Really? That sounds cool... I wish I was that kind of person."
"You mean the kind of person who is hilarious without knowing it?"
"Yeah! That'd be fun."
"Well, maybe you already are and, of course, don't know it."
I saw the lights come on in this girl's eyes. I seriously had just rocked her world. She's standing there, dazed, and I say:
"Nah, don't worry. You're not."
I don't even think she got it.
Caleb "don't start nuttin won't be nuttin" Shreves Tweet
I thought I would share with you several post ideas I've had that- fortunately- I was smart enough not to post.
1. Coffee fiend.
This idea involved me in a hyper-caffeinated state typing "coffee coffee coffee coffee" etc. a million times over. That was the whole post. I thought about dressing it up a bit by occasionally putting the word coffee in parenthesis, or bold, or spelled backwards, or interspersing words like "good" and "me need" throughout.
2. Song in my head
As simple as it sounds. I get a song (actually a short, repeating phrase of a song) in my head and sometimes it lasts for days. I thought that maybe if I type it out it would help get rid of it. Here's a short sample of what's currently in my head: (if you know Bartok, you might know this one!) Ba dot, da da da-da-da-da dot dada dah, da da dat-dah dat-dah dah-dee-da-da-dah. I know, right? I was going to do an entire song that way.
3. TMI
I have on several occasions thought of describing in detail some sexual maneuvers I enjoy, stories even more embarrassing then the ones I already tell, and ultra-shameful tales from my youth. Some things just don't need sharin'.
4. Inane
I have sometimes wanted to post boring crap that happens to be going on. I have a cold today and it feels like this, I had a talk with someone yesterday that went like this, or I did this productive thing this weekend and it went like this. Lame. Sort of like those people that post every daily activity of their life on Facebook. "Just woke up!" "Driving to work." "At work now." "Getting some coffee, mmm!" "Spilled some of my coffee.. sadface." "Got more coffee! Hope today gets better." "Well, it's 5 minutes later now, day's not better." "I want to move somewhere... who's with me?" "Just got fired for too much Facebooking...lame!"
5. Miniseries
I've kicked around book-writing for a long time. At one point I had an idea for a sci-fi book that I almost started writing chapters for in this blog. But, while that's not a terrible idea, this isn't the place for that sort of idea. This is for shenanigans.
Last night I was drinking some Octoberfest and Red Stagg. The bartender (Um, ultra cute butt in tiny white shorts btw) was chatting outside with me about a friend of ours, The Johann, who she knows because, well, he's The Johann. As we're talking she says something about him not having a strong personality (if she only knew!) and I said he's great because he's one of those guys that is hilarious without ever meaning to be or knowing he is. She says:
"Really? That sounds cool... I wish I was that kind of person."
"You mean the kind of person who is hilarious without knowing it?"
"Yeah! That'd be fun."
"Well, maybe you already are and, of course, don't know it."
I saw the lights come on in this girl's eyes. I seriously had just rocked her world. She's standing there, dazed, and I say:
"Nah, don't worry. You're not."
I don't even think she got it.
Caleb "don't start nuttin won't be nuttin" Shreves Tweet
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Entry 89: Why Caleb Isn't Nice
Hulkamaniacs,
Some of you who know me already know where I'm going. I hate the term nice. Yes, hate. I used to think "Oh, yeah, it's pretty good. Nothing wrong with nice, right?" Oh how ignorant I was.
Then I started getting mildly annoyed with "nice." Watching awkwardly as people insisted that someone go ahead of them in line (No you go. No you. No you. No you. Okay, I'll go. You're so nice.) -holding everyone up behind them, mind you- thinking "oh, they're just being nice."
You hear about someone who is "nice" all the time.
"Why'd you break up with her? She was nice!"
Yeah? Well she was also an idiot, boring, lame, and weak. But she was nice, right?
Whatever. Nice has gone full circle back to its Latin roots, where it was derived from the word "nescire" which means to "not know." Yes, it meant "dumb" for centuries and I'm bringing its true meaning back.
Think of every person that you think of as really "nice." How many of them have any guts? How many are essentially weak people that never assert themselves, never stand up for anything, and avoid any confrontation at any cost. How many of them are complete dullards? How many are spineless? Boring? Obsequious? Perpetually deferential? Annoying.
But what about the good qualities of "nice." When we truly mean it in a positive way? Then be specific. Most of us use "nice" because we're too lazy to think of the positive trait we're really trying to describe. Traits that I'm not against one bit. Think: generous, patient, considerate, insightful, etc. These are all fine traits that should be lauded and strove for. But nice? Fuck that noise.
Many of you readers are of the dating variety and read/write articles on the world of dating. How does "nice" fit in there? Ever read a story about how people don't want the "nice" girl/guy? Or how you date someone who was "nice" but "eh"? Maybe you want the "nice" guy who has an edge? Yeah, basically you want some of the positive qualities associated with "nice" but not the spineless-dullard-pansy part. Who wants that?
I propose that it's okay to hate the word "nice." To not use it, to banish it from our vocabularies except in the context of what the word actually means.
So if I tell you I went out with someone and they were "nice"- you'll know what I mean.
Caleb "not very nice" Shreves Tweet
Some of you who know me already know where I'm going. I hate the term nice. Yes, hate. I used to think "Oh, yeah, it's pretty good. Nothing wrong with nice, right?" Oh how ignorant I was.
Then I started getting mildly annoyed with "nice." Watching awkwardly as people insisted that someone go ahead of them in line (No you go. No you. No you. No you. Okay, I'll go. You're so nice.) -holding everyone up behind them, mind you- thinking "oh, they're just being nice."
You hear about someone who is "nice" all the time.
"Why'd you break up with her? She was nice!"
Yeah? Well she was also an idiot, boring, lame, and weak. But she was nice, right?
Whatever. Nice has gone full circle back to its Latin roots, where it was derived from the word "nescire" which means to "not know." Yes, it meant "dumb" for centuries and I'm bringing its true meaning back.
Think of every person that you think of as really "nice." How many of them have any guts? How many are essentially weak people that never assert themselves, never stand up for anything, and avoid any confrontation at any cost. How many of them are complete dullards? How many are spineless? Boring? Obsequious? Perpetually deferential? Annoying.
But what about the good qualities of "nice." When we truly mean it in a positive way? Then be specific. Most of us use "nice" because we're too lazy to think of the positive trait we're really trying to describe. Traits that I'm not against one bit. Think: generous, patient, considerate, insightful, etc. These are all fine traits that should be lauded and strove for. But nice? Fuck that noise.
Many of you readers are of the dating variety and read/write articles on the world of dating. How does "nice" fit in there? Ever read a story about how people don't want the "nice" girl/guy? Or how you date someone who was "nice" but "eh"? Maybe you want the "nice" guy who has an edge? Yeah, basically you want some of the positive qualities associated with "nice" but not the spineless-dullard-pansy part. Who wants that?
I propose that it's okay to hate the word "nice." To not use it, to banish it from our vocabularies except in the context of what the word actually means.
So if I tell you I went out with someone and they were "nice"- you'll know what I mean.
Caleb "not very nice" Shreves Tweet
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Entry 88: Why The Hell Is Caleb Awake?
It's 7:30 in the morning on Saturday. What am I doing up?
Would it help to know that I went to bed sober last night by 10? No- even more confusing?
What if I told you I'm about to go jog, shower, and put on some nice clothes. Going somewhere? Nope.
Locking my doors, turning the cell phone off.
Anyone got it yet?
Yup- taking practice LSAT tests. I will shave, put on dress clothes, grab my #2 (pre-sharpened) pencils, my new analog watch (no digital allowed) and will master this test today.
I hope.
Regardless, I want there to be some actual proof that I at least in some small way took this thing half-seriously. Wow, that sentence was filled with qualifications!
So yeah, that's what I'll be doing. Then, I'll be watching the Championship-bound Iowa Hawkeyes beat up some other team. Can't think of who right now.
Later!
Caleb "I respect this test" Shreves
PS Krust and I have sort of given up raising the $600 to jump on the 22nd, so no big deal about donating to our cause. And for those of you (1) who actually didn't have a credit card... really? How have you made it this far? :) Tweet
Would it help to know that I went to bed sober last night by 10? No- even more confusing?
What if I told you I'm about to go jog, shower, and put on some nice clothes. Going somewhere? Nope.
Locking my doors, turning the cell phone off.
Anyone got it yet?
Yup- taking practice LSAT tests. I will shave, put on dress clothes, grab my #2 (pre-sharpened) pencils, my new analog watch (no digital allowed) and will master this test today.
I hope.
Regardless, I want there to be some actual proof that I at least in some small way took this thing half-seriously. Wow, that sentence was filled with qualifications!
So yeah, that's what I'll be doing. Then, I'll be watching the Championship-bound Iowa Hawkeyes beat up some other team. Can't think of who right now.
Later!
Caleb "I respect this test" Shreves
PS Krust and I have sort of given up raising the $600 to jump on the 22nd, so no big deal about donating to our cause. And for those of you (1) who actually didn't have a credit card... really? How have you made it this far? :) Tweet
Friday, September 10, 2010
Entry 87: Gangsters
Citizens-
I'm out last night with The Johann. Also, with a friend of his, "Gonzo." A few giant beers (always a good idea) at a Mexican restaurant and then we're off to our local douche/cougar den.
I'll keep this brief. Johann is accidentally bumped by a linebacker from the Green Bay Packers (and if he's not, he should be) and spills his beer. No big deal. Gonzo is mostly drunk and has this half-smile/half "we doin' this?" look on his face. He's trying to get the attention of Gigantor to- presumably- demand an apology and/or start a fight. Johann is pleading with him that this is unnecessary and that it was an accident (not to mention that this would not be a good idea anyway.)
I, of course, am bored so I'm actually encouraging Gonzo a little bit. At this point I'm thinking maybe it's Hispanic honor or something like that. But no worries- this guy walks off not to be seen from again before any trouble starts.
Fast forward. Enter into the bar 4 old Japanese guys in matching blue suits. Gonzo wants to meet/talk with them. Okay. He introduces himself, then clams up. WTH? I'm left to carry the conversation, which I do (surprised?).
Later. Gonzo, drunk. Japanese guys, gone. Gonzo claims he had to chase them out. How? By telling them that they shouldn't mess with him, Johann, or me. Repeatedly. "Yeah, but... were they talking about messing with us? Thinking of it? Starting it?" Response: "No, but they needed to know."
I can see why he and Johann get along.
Gonzo is missing for a while. Then he comes back. With his two friends. Who? Two giant, stone-sober, rough and serious looking dudes that cautiously meet Johann and I, look around, and ask "We cool?" A lot.
Yes. Gonzo brought in gangster reinforcements in case the 4 old Japanese men came back to start something.
I know, right?
Also, Johann accused Gonzo of being in the Taliban.
Believe it or not, I'm the normal one around here!
Caleb "Not in the Taliban" Shreves
Tweet
I'm out last night with The Johann. Also, with a friend of his, "Gonzo." A few giant beers (always a good idea) at a Mexican restaurant and then we're off to our local douche/cougar den.
I'll keep this brief. Johann is accidentally bumped by a linebacker from the Green Bay Packers (and if he's not, he should be) and spills his beer. No big deal. Gonzo is mostly drunk and has this half-smile/half "we doin' this?" look on his face. He's trying to get the attention of Gigantor to- presumably- demand an apology and/or start a fight. Johann is pleading with him that this is unnecessary and that it was an accident (not to mention that this would not be a good idea anyway.)
I, of course, am bored so I'm actually encouraging Gonzo a little bit. At this point I'm thinking maybe it's Hispanic honor or something like that. But no worries- this guy walks off not to be seen from again before any trouble starts.
Fast forward. Enter into the bar 4 old Japanese guys in matching blue suits. Gonzo wants to meet/talk with them. Okay. He introduces himself, then clams up. WTH? I'm left to carry the conversation, which I do (surprised?).
Later. Gonzo, drunk. Japanese guys, gone. Gonzo claims he had to chase them out. How? By telling them that they shouldn't mess with him, Johann, or me. Repeatedly. "Yeah, but... were they talking about messing with us? Thinking of it? Starting it?" Response: "No, but they needed to know."
I can see why he and Johann get along.
Gonzo is missing for a while. Then he comes back. With his two friends. Who? Two giant, stone-sober, rough and serious looking dudes that cautiously meet Johann and I, look around, and ask "We cool?" A lot.
Yes. Gonzo brought in gangster reinforcements in case the 4 old Japanese men came back to start something.
I know, right?
Also, Johann accused Gonzo of being in the Taliban.
Believe it or not, I'm the normal one around here!
Caleb "Not in the Taliban" Shreves
Tweet
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Entry 86: Name That Movie!
Movie-watchers,
As the title says:
1. "Barfin? Where do I keep getting Munson from?"
2. "Yer brain has the... shell on it."
3. "Go ahead and have a big ol' time. Some of us, have a gunfight tomorrow."
4. " I'm going to fill a pillowcase with bars of soap, and beat the shit outta you!"
5. " Is this some kind of radical new therapy?"
6. "Try this, Harry! It feels like you're moving at an incredible rate of speed!"
7. " Noone makes me bleed my own blood."
8. "Top score... is that good? Is it? Is that a good score? Where you goin?"
9. "I believe Diversity was an old, old wooden ship, used during the Civil War."
10. "Or a janitor, if you want to be a dick about it."
If anyone can get all 10 I'll find them some erotic sex action on Craigslist and... oh wait. Nevermind. I guess I'll just be proud.
Add some of your own! I bet I know 'em.
Bring it!
Caleb "'I'll decide what's funny here" Shreves
Tweet
As the title says:
1. "Barfin? Where do I keep getting Munson from?"
2. "Yer brain has the... shell on it."
3. "Go ahead and have a big ol' time. Some of us, have a gunfight tomorrow."
4. " I'm going to fill a pillowcase with bars of soap, and beat the shit outta you!"
5. " Is this some kind of radical new therapy?"
6. "Try this, Harry! It feels like you're moving at an incredible rate of speed!"
7. " Noone makes me bleed my own blood."
8. "Top score... is that good? Is it? Is that a good score? Where you goin?"
9. "I believe Diversity was an old, old wooden ship, used during the Civil War."
10. "Or a janitor, if you want to be a dick about it."
If anyone can get all 10 I'll find them some erotic sex action on Craigslist and... oh wait. Nevermind. I guess I'll just be proud.
Add some of your own! I bet I know 'em.
Bring it!
Caleb "'I'll decide what's funny here" Shreves
Tweet
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Entry 85: Odds And Ends
Peeps,
I thought today I would provide updates that maybe you've been missing out on:
1. Somali Pirates: Recently an Indian warship thwarted an attempted hijacking with some commando action. They disarmed the pirates, took their stuff, and- in Russian style- left them afloat without fuel. This appears to be a credible danger for pirates nowadays. Chinese bad-asses also repelled some attacks using machine guns and stun grenades. Sucks to be a pirate.
2. LSAT: This Saturday I took a full-on, 4 hour practice test in simulated test conditions. No drinking, eating, etc. and no breaks between sections. Grueling, but I got a 169 which is an improvement. I don't know what's harder- the test or not getting hammered on Fridays.
3. My Cat: Ella (aka 'Wormy') was shaved a month or so ago to remove some fur matting. The vet said she was too fat to clean herself properly (I dated a girl like that?) and told me to put her on a diet. It's working and she's looking pretty slim. I even saw her run one day last week.
4. Cougar-hunting: Double epic-fail in this regard. One, I was out with The Johann and he asked for assistance in procuring a couple of cougars near us. And these were not 'maybe' cougars- definitely 50+, though still slightly good looking. I get us 'in' with them, we're laughing and having a good time, and when I come back from a smoke I'm informed that we (Johann and I) are no longer allowed to buy drinks. Huh? No explanation, nothing. So I bid folks good day and we head up to some other bar. The next day I happen to be at that bar again and ask my friend what the deal was. She says that those 2 cougars complained to the bartender that Johann or I or both were hanging on them, not leaving them alone. Since the owner was in the bar, and they're friends, we were cut off. Important side-note: these ladies were literally hanging on our chairs, buying us drinks, and even at one point sitting on our laps. I know that watching the last vestiges of your youth and beauty fade into the sunset must be depressing, but the lengths that some women go to to maintain their sense of desirability still astounds me.
5. My lawn chairs: Destroyed by Cledus and PBR driving a stolen golf car through my hard. They also rammed the cart into my house repeatedly.
6. The Hometown: Had a successful labor day celebration, great fireworks, and the band continued playing on (outside) despite a tornado siren going off.
7. New Stuff: Peter Hamilton is a great space-fantasy writer who I started reading last year. His Void Trilogy is really good stuff and the final book came out this past week. Highly recommended!
8. Random Ridiculous Behaviors: I left Krust a message containing nothing but me making Canada Goose honking noises for over a minute.
9. Notoriety: Due to the enormous success of my National Anthem recording I was asked to sing live for the start of the Labor Day race. Great success.
If you wanted a full-10 things on this list, tough! Get over it.
Caleb "I want new lawn chairs" Shreves Tweet
I thought today I would provide updates that maybe you've been missing out on:
1. Somali Pirates: Recently an Indian warship thwarted an attempted hijacking with some commando action. They disarmed the pirates, took their stuff, and- in Russian style- left them afloat without fuel. This appears to be a credible danger for pirates nowadays. Chinese bad-asses also repelled some attacks using machine guns and stun grenades. Sucks to be a pirate.
2. LSAT: This Saturday I took a full-on, 4 hour practice test in simulated test conditions. No drinking, eating, etc. and no breaks between sections. Grueling, but I got a 169 which is an improvement. I don't know what's harder- the test or not getting hammered on Fridays.
3. My Cat: Ella (aka 'Wormy') was shaved a month or so ago to remove some fur matting. The vet said she was too fat to clean herself properly (I dated a girl like that?) and told me to put her on a diet. It's working and she's looking pretty slim. I even saw her run one day last week.
4. Cougar-hunting: Double epic-fail in this regard. One, I was out with The Johann and he asked for assistance in procuring a couple of cougars near us. And these were not 'maybe' cougars- definitely 50+, though still slightly good looking. I get us 'in' with them, we're laughing and having a good time, and when I come back from a smoke I'm informed that we (Johann and I) are no longer allowed to buy drinks. Huh? No explanation, nothing. So I bid folks good day and we head up to some other bar. The next day I happen to be at that bar again and ask my friend what the deal was. She says that those 2 cougars complained to the bartender that Johann or I or both were hanging on them, not leaving them alone. Since the owner was in the bar, and they're friends, we were cut off. Important side-note: these ladies were literally hanging on our chairs, buying us drinks, and even at one point sitting on our laps. I know that watching the last vestiges of your youth and beauty fade into the sunset must be depressing, but the lengths that some women go to to maintain their sense of desirability still astounds me.
5. My lawn chairs: Destroyed by Cledus and PBR driving a stolen golf car through my hard. They also rammed the cart into my house repeatedly.
6. The Hometown: Had a successful labor day celebration, great fireworks, and the band continued playing on (outside) despite a tornado siren going off.
7. New Stuff: Peter Hamilton is a great space-fantasy writer who I started reading last year. His Void Trilogy is really good stuff and the final book came out this past week. Highly recommended!
8. Random Ridiculous Behaviors: I left Krust a message containing nothing but me making Canada Goose honking noises for over a minute.
9. Notoriety: Due to the enormous success of my National Anthem recording I was asked to sing live for the start of the Labor Day race. Great success.
If you wanted a full-10 things on this list, tough! Get over it.
Caleb "I want new lawn chairs" Shreves Tweet
Friday, September 3, 2010
Entry 84: Conquering Indecision
Deciders,
Being decisive is one of the hardest things to be in life. Every day we are faced with a multitude of choices to make, big and small. Many of you, I know, find yourself paralyzed with indecision on a daily basis. From making career or relationship moves to deciding where to eat dinner, the "tyranny of choice" has too many of us in thrall.
I have a way out for you! (ps this blog automatically italicized this. Is it growing an awareness? Weird.)
For most of us the problem with making decisions comes down to the pressure of making a "right" decision and avoiding the consequences of making a "wrong" decision. We require absolute surety (or close to) before we can proceed confidently down any decision path, and even then we can't help but wonder what was behind door #2.
Just go ahead and try to be decisive. Try it. Give up yet? Yeah, it's not easy. But I have an exercise that can help you.
Instead of viewing a decision as one part, let's divide it in two. On the one side we'll put 'the ability to make a decision quickly' and on the other we'll put 'the quality of the decision'. This gives us:
Fast Good
Slow Bad
Breaking it up this way we can see that you have 4 outcomes:
1. A fast decision that is good
2. A fast decision that is bad
3. A slow decision that is good
4. A slow decision that is bad
Right?
My radical proposal to you is this: let go of the good/bad side for a while! Seriously, let it go. Don't go out of your way to make bad decision, but actively try to detach yourself from the outcomes of each decision you make.
Instead, focus on making a fast decision. Decide in your mind instantly what you are going to do, and then stick with the outcome no matter what. Chase the rabbit all the way down the hole and never surrender unless you are absolutely required to do so. Even if it is a terrible decision that you just can't make work, then you'll know, right?!
I promise you that you will be liberated if you take this approach. The eventual goal, of course, is to make good decisions as quickly as possible. But for most of us the hangup isn't on the quality of our decisions (which studies show rarely improve through more time, attention, and thought) but rather the speed of our decision making.
Try it. For dinner tonight. Let me know how it works!
Preemptive: you're welcome!
Caleb "the decider" Shreves Tweet
Being decisive is one of the hardest things to be in life. Every day we are faced with a multitude of choices to make, big and small. Many of you, I know, find yourself paralyzed with indecision on a daily basis. From making career or relationship moves to deciding where to eat dinner, the "tyranny of choice" has too many of us in thrall.
I have a way out for you! (ps this blog automatically italicized this. Is it growing an awareness? Weird.)
For most of us the problem with making decisions comes down to the pressure of making a "right" decision and avoiding the consequences of making a "wrong" decision. We require absolute surety (or close to) before we can proceed confidently down any decision path, and even then we can't help but wonder what was behind door #2.
Just go ahead and try to be decisive. Try it. Give up yet? Yeah, it's not easy. But I have an exercise that can help you.
Instead of viewing a decision as one part, let's divide it in two. On the one side we'll put 'the ability to make a decision quickly' and on the other we'll put 'the quality of the decision'. This gives us:
Fast Good
Slow Bad
Breaking it up this way we can see that you have 4 outcomes:
1. A fast decision that is good
2. A fast decision that is bad
3. A slow decision that is good
4. A slow decision that is bad
Right?
My radical proposal to you is this: let go of the good/bad side for a while! Seriously, let it go. Don't go out of your way to make bad decision, but actively try to detach yourself from the outcomes of each decision you make.
Instead, focus on making a fast decision. Decide in your mind instantly what you are going to do, and then stick with the outcome no matter what. Chase the rabbit all the way down the hole and never surrender unless you are absolutely required to do so. Even if it is a terrible decision that you just can't make work, then you'll know, right?!
I promise you that you will be liberated if you take this approach. The eventual goal, of course, is to make good decisions as quickly as possible. But for most of us the hangup isn't on the quality of our decisions (which studies show rarely improve through more time, attention, and thought) but rather the speed of our decision making.
Try it. For dinner tonight. Let me know how it works!
Preemptive: you're welcome!
Caleb "the decider" Shreves Tweet
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Entry 83: I Doubt It!
So-called readers,
I think all of this LSAT studying is messing with my brain.
How?
I think I'm starting to pick apart everything I hear or see. This isn't new for me- I have that type of personality to begin with (ask my exes), but I've just been noticing that I can't turn it off!
The other day I hear on the radio some nutjub has created a new branch of the "I think all TV and videogames are bad for kids and I need to get laid" club. Or whatever it's called. And in her brief comments she states how "studies show that children who watch violent movies and play violent video games tend to be more violent."
Not only do I, as a gamer, disagree immediately (and just want to donkey punch her f*cking THROAT!!! Wait, sorry, getting violent.) but I hear this argument and immediately think, "this lady is assuming her conclusion based on causation, where only a correlation is present."
Huh? Then I think, "If more red cars than other color cars are involved in accidents or pulled over and ticketed, and I drive a red car, am I a more reckless driver? If so, did the car cause that or was I drawn to a red car because of my pre-existing reckless tendencies? What exactly is 'red'? Shades of red? If a color is close to red are you a little more reckless?"
I've got to get this test over with.
Then this morning I hear that lame commercial about how 1 out of 8 Americans are struggling with hunger. They have different voices come on and say things like:
"I was working the cash register today when you bought groceries"
"I chatted with you on the elevator at work."
"Our kids ride the bus together."
Wait, what? How can you have a job and be hungry? Dubs at McDonalds are ONE DOLLAR. Read again: ONE DOLLAR. Sounds like someone needs to cut their crack and cable bill.
And what's this 1 in 8 number? How does that work? Does Paris Hilton and the rest of the anorexic gang count for more than their fair share? I don't know how this works.
I do know, however, that double cheeseburgers are delicious.
That's all.
Caleb "I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY, FOX!" Shreves Tweet
I think all of this LSAT studying is messing with my brain.
How?
I think I'm starting to pick apart everything I hear or see. This isn't new for me- I have that type of personality to begin with (ask my exes), but I've just been noticing that I can't turn it off!
The other day I hear on the radio some nutjub has created a new branch of the "I think all TV and videogames are bad for kids and I need to get laid" club. Or whatever it's called. And in her brief comments she states how "studies show that children who watch violent movies and play violent video games tend to be more violent."
Not only do I, as a gamer, disagree immediately (and just want to donkey punch her f*cking THROAT!!! Wait, sorry, getting violent.) but I hear this argument and immediately think, "this lady is assuming her conclusion based on causation, where only a correlation is present."
Huh? Then I think, "If more red cars than other color cars are involved in accidents or pulled over and ticketed, and I drive a red car, am I a more reckless driver? If so, did the car cause that or was I drawn to a red car because of my pre-existing reckless tendencies? What exactly is 'red'? Shades of red? If a color is close to red are you a little more reckless?"
I've got to get this test over with.
Then this morning I hear that lame commercial about how 1 out of 8 Americans are struggling with hunger. They have different voices come on and say things like:
"I was working the cash register today when you bought groceries"
"I chatted with you on the elevator at work."
"Our kids ride the bus together."
Wait, what? How can you have a job and be hungry? Dubs at McDonalds are ONE DOLLAR. Read again: ONE DOLLAR. Sounds like someone needs to cut their crack and cable bill.
And what's this 1 in 8 number? How does that work? Does Paris Hilton and the rest of the anorexic gang count for more than their fair share? I don't know how this works.
I do know, however, that double cheeseburgers are delicious.
That's all.
Caleb "I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY, FOX!" Shreves Tweet
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Entry 82: F*ck This Damn LSAT
Test-takers,
This LSAT shenanigannery is getting tough. My goal of a 180 is most likely nearly impossible. I'm altering my reasonable expectations for the test to around a 172. That's a great score, and is still going to be nearly impossible to achieve.
Instead of daily focus and practice (as recommended by LSAT test masters) for 7+ months, I've mostly just drank a little less and taken half-practice tests while hungover. I have yet to take a full test under test conditions (no breaks, no food/drink, Nazi-style restrictions on what you can bring, etc.) but I have seen my score climb up a few points each test. 161, 163, 165, 167. I don't feel like I'm actually getting any better at it, just more lucky. Nothing wrong with Luck, right? (no smart comments from you, Staycee)
Today I literally cursed out a textbook. I took a practice section (logical reasoning) and got to a question that was super lame. In fact, next to it I penciled in "BIGGEST BS E.V.E.R." I'm not kidding, either.
$10 to the person who can give the right answer and explain clearly why it is the right answer:
Certain instruments used in veterinary surgery can be made either of stainless steel or of nylon. In a study of such instruments, 50 complete sterilizations of a set of nylon instruments required 3.4 times the amount of energy used to manufacture that set of instruments, whereas 50 complete sterilizations of a set of stainless steel instruments required 2.1 times the amount of energy required to manufacture that set of instruments.
If the statements above are true, each of the following could be true EXCEPT:
(A) The 50 complete sterilizations of the nylon instruments used more energy than did the 50 complete sterilizations of the stainless steel instruments.
(B) More energy was required for each complete sterilization of the nylon instruments than was required to manufacture the nylon instruments.
(C) More nylon instruments than stainless steel instruments were sterilized in the study.
(D) More energy was used to produce the stainless steel instruments than was used to produce nylon instruments.
(E) The total cost of 50 complete sterilizations of the stainless steel instruments was greater than the cost of manufacturing the stainless steel instruments.
Biggest. BS. Ever.
Caleb Tweet
This LSAT shenanigannery is getting tough. My goal of a 180 is most likely nearly impossible. I'm altering my reasonable expectations for the test to around a 172. That's a great score, and is still going to be nearly impossible to achieve.
Instead of daily focus and practice (as recommended by LSAT test masters) for 7+ months, I've mostly just drank a little less and taken half-practice tests while hungover. I have yet to take a full test under test conditions (no breaks, no food/drink, Nazi-style restrictions on what you can bring, etc.) but I have seen my score climb up a few points each test. 161, 163, 165, 167. I don't feel like I'm actually getting any better at it, just more lucky. Nothing wrong with Luck, right? (no smart comments from you, Staycee)
Today I literally cursed out a textbook. I took a practice section (logical reasoning) and got to a question that was super lame. In fact, next to it I penciled in "BIGGEST BS E.V.E.R." I'm not kidding, either.
$10 to the person who can give the right answer and explain clearly why it is the right answer:
Certain instruments used in veterinary surgery can be made either of stainless steel or of nylon. In a study of such instruments, 50 complete sterilizations of a set of nylon instruments required 3.4 times the amount of energy used to manufacture that set of instruments, whereas 50 complete sterilizations of a set of stainless steel instruments required 2.1 times the amount of energy required to manufacture that set of instruments.
If the statements above are true, each of the following could be true EXCEPT:
(A) The 50 complete sterilizations of the nylon instruments used more energy than did the 50 complete sterilizations of the stainless steel instruments.
(B) More energy was required for each complete sterilization of the nylon instruments than was required to manufacture the nylon instruments.
(C) More nylon instruments than stainless steel instruments were sterilized in the study.
(D) More energy was used to produce the stainless steel instruments than was used to produce nylon instruments.
(E) The total cost of 50 complete sterilizations of the stainless steel instruments was greater than the cost of manufacturing the stainless steel instruments.
Biggest. BS. Ever.
Caleb Tweet
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